The Gift of Time

I have interesting thoughts as I'm cleaning the house. As an only child I have learned to enjoy being alone and thinking about things going on, working out problems, planning events, but it can also be a bad thing. I tend to beat myself up a lot in my thoughts, dwell on my weaknesses, and bring myself down. I've said this before, I've been told I can be a pessimistic person, but I think of myself as a realist. And those weaknesses are very real in my head.

So during my last few cleaning sessions the thought came into my mind about this "gift of time" I've been given between now and when my thyroid is well enough to go back to the fertility clinic. I've had 2 thoughts on both sides of the spectrum about this so called "gift" of time. And because those of you who know me are expecting the pessimistic side of things, let's just dive into that pool first!

I mostly think that this extra time is a curse. I am starting to dread the fertility treatments, where before, I was ready. I keep thinking, "I could be pregnant by now." "I'd be done with those shots by now." But then the reality is that I still have the big step in front of me, and I'm starting to dread it.

OK, the stomach churning, positive side of things. Though I never had exact symptoms, I couldn't tell you if something ached, or if I felt queasy, I just haven't felt well for quite some time now. Something has felt a little "off" for years. So is this "gift of time" giving me some time to get myself healthy and feel better? Is this my last chance to fill my own well, so that I may help to nourish my family? If so, I need to get some will power and desire to get healthier, because I am sooooo not there right now. But I'm starting to feel the consequences of my actions. I feel uncomfortable in my own body. My clothes from last spring have oddly all shrunk. (There must be something wrong with my closet!) By 12:30 my eyes are tired and I can't wait to get Wyatt into bed for his nap. I feel as though my body has given up on me, and I have given up on my body. For months I've been telling myself, "You're about to go get fertility treatments again. What's the point in loosing weight of you're about to gain it all back?" But now I realize that I need to feel good about myself, and I need to start now.

So, with that said, this blog may change its focus for a while. It might be about my health, my physical, spiritual, and mental well being. You may read a few of the up coming posts and think, "Oh my goodness, Sommer has lost her mind!" And that's OK, because those are half of my thoughts while I'm cleaning! There will be times when I will share TMI (too much information). Just skip over those parts. I am just tired of not feeling good, tired of not feeling happy, tired of not making the most out of my life and enjoying my life. These changes will start now.