Let Me Get Some Things Off My Chest

The title of this post started out as "The Journey Begins..." but after several rantings, it needed to be changed. I go to my first of many, many doctor appointments tomorrow. I have 2 big feelings inside me. I'm excited and I am worried about starting this process over again. Trying to get pregnant with Wyatt was just 2 years of complete uncertainty. This time, I feel more confident. I know the staff and they know that we're coming back. The staff at this clinic are wonderful. We've built friendships with these people and for that reason I do look forward to coming back and seeing them. The doctor is very kind, he sent Byron a condolences card when his father died. The technician who takes the blood did it so well, I never felt the needle, even day after day after day. Those aren't' the reasons to worry. Believe it or not, I'm not even worried about the gazillions of shots and pills I have to take. Before it was all so overwhelming because I didn't know what to expect. But this time, I'm ready. What am I worried about? The repetitive shots hit nerves that cause pain when I walk (OK, so I guess I am worried about the shots). I'm worried about unneeded stress and what impact it might have on getting pregnant. I'm worried about getting pregnant and then STAYING pregnant. My chest hurts at the thought of being put on bed rest again. Last time was mentally and emotionally traumatic for me. Part of it was due to me having to stop work, which sounds silly, but my classroom was my world, and I felt like I was letting my bosses down, my students down, my teacher's aide down, and the parents down. Staying busy and contributing to society was important to me and the mere act of being able to move was taken away from me. The thing that still stings, still hurts the most, was the people who were supposed to be closest to me didn't seem to have a lot of sympathy for me, at least I don't remember any, especially at those moments when I was really feeling sorry for myself. "Get Over it!" they'd seem to say or "You have a bigger purpose now." Well, thank you for making me feel 2 inches tall. I'm sorry that I'm not excited about my complete ability to make choices and have even a small amount of control in my life being taken away! Those things make it really hard to see through to the bigger picture.
Byron calls me a pessimist because I am certain all this will happen again. I think I am a realist. I guess it is my survivor mode so that I can make some type of plan in my mind if and when it does happen again. I've already planned some things. I'll enroll Wyatt at Candil Hall a few days a week. Mainly so he can have some fun and socialize, but also to let the G-mas (grandmas) stay in that G-ma role, and not feel they have to take over the "mom" role. Just because I'm on the couch doesn't mean I've lost my right to be a mother. Nini (my G-ma) is back home too, so she could come over once a week and help rotate with the G-mas. It is those things that I worry about, and I need to stop. I created a motto for myself years ago, that I need to remember everyday. "I will not worry about the things I cannot control. I will pray instead." I created it after I had a student that I worried a lot about. Little Nicholas was a small, meek child who could barely use a pencil, and I was supposed to teach him how to read! Sadly, his parents had their own set of messes to deal with, so Nicholas was pretty much on his own. I did all that I could for him and it just didn't seem like enough. By May he was reading just enough to go on to the first grade and when I still kept worrying about how this little guy would turn out, that's when I created my motto. I could not control what would happen to this student, so worrying wasn't going to help. All I could do was pray. I hope my prayers helped him somehow! And now I need my prayers to help myself and my family. I hope journalling my feelings will help me get them out and let go. Worrying certainly is not going to help me get or stay pregnant.