Things this time around just didn't feel right. The timing felt rushed. The once familiar information was confusing. I tired easily. I cried easily. I had outbursts easily. And I just wanted to be left alone.
The final straw was the stress of getting the Lupron injections here by Sunday. In an attempt to save money, I switched pharmacies at the last minute excited by the news that my insurance would cover some of the cost. But instead, no one could get me the medicine in time. Finally, (and this happens a lot) Byron got on the phone and managed to get my medicine. Sigh of relief and prayer of thanksgiving. I headed off to the park to enjoy the beautiful day with my son.
It was turning out to be a great day. We were getting new carpet installed, I laughed with friends at the park, laughed with more friends on the phone, and was even invited to a "girls' night in" at a friends house. And then the phone call came...
My thyroid level was exceedingly high and Dr. Shapiro has cancelled your cycle. In other words, as of now, you are done, there will be no more blood tests, no more ultrasounds, no transfer date. Until your thyroid has been fixed, you will not be able to get pregnant.
You know when you plan something, something big, that involves everyday up to that moment? Your thoughts surround your big plans, you do extensive planning of your big plans, and then all of a sudden, your plans come to a screeching halt. That is me right now. I am staring at a rock that is my thyroid and I can't quite climb over it right now.
I didn't even know how to respond to the nurse on the phone. I didn't even know I had a thyroid problem. I did my best to finish the phone call just trying to understand the odd words and initials the nurse was rambling at me, and what my next steps were (a blood test, a visit to a thyroid specialist, more medicine). As she spoke, I tried to keep my thoughts straight..."Why would Dr. Shapiro do this...wait a minute, this isn't his fault...is it my fault...I don't have time to exercise anymore...too focused on Wyatt...no desire to eat healthy anymore either...it is my fault...maybe it is stress...I haven't been able to handle much these days...just finish the phone call...and don't you dare cry...too late." My voice quivers as I say goodbye and collapse at the table.
After Byron's very best attempts to console me, he asks what do I want to do? "Go to Target and buy chocolate." And so I did. I wandered Target for an hour and a half, slowly, lethargically, my eyes still tried from crying. I have no idea how much I spent, not really sure what I bought. However, in my head there was a list that I manage to complete, chocolate included.
After some time, I realize that my journey hasn't really come to a screeching halt. I will eventually climb over this rock. It is just going to take some effort for me to get into four wheel drive!
3 comments:
Som, I'm so sorry everything is crashing right now. I won't tell you "everything will be ok" cuz that's probably not what you want to hear. Just know that we will keep you in our prayers and if you ever need someone to just go to Sonic with to get some treats or something--you can always call me!! I'm a good listener!
Jul
Sommer, I am so sorry that you are going through all of these struggles in your life. I am a good ear if you ever need one. I have not expierenced the steps you are going through. With both of my pregnancies I got pregnant, at three months had a misscarriage, took me a year to get pregnant again and then had my girls. Those emotions take a toll on you and really no one can understand the longing that one feels when your body won't cooporate with you and when you have to work so hard for something that comes so easy for others. Just remember you have people out there that admire you and think the world of you even though we don't say it every day. :-)
Hi Sommer,
I'm sorry you're going through all this in order to get pregnant. We tried to get pregnant for a couple of years until I found out that I actually have Polycystic Ovary SYNDROME (emphasize that word since it has no cure). Having this makes me not ovulate, the only way to do that is by taking birth control!! Having this made me gain A LOT of weight and in order to lose weight, I need to work out 3 times harder than an average person. Also, if I do happen to get pregnant (which is very hard), I have 50% chance of having a miscarriage. Oh, ALSO my hormones are out of whack that the doctors described it as feeling like you're pregnant but not really being pregnant. GREAT huh?
I found all of this information out in October 2006. Doctors don't know much about this disease; therefore, they don't look to find the cure. I think it's easier just to call a disease syndrome and not spend any resources on finding the cure since it's not life-threatening).
ANYWAY, I feel for you! It's so frustrating wanting to start a family and not being able to. I'm so happy for you though, that you are able to go to a fertility doctor. (Hopefully I'll do that in a year) It's obviously been frustrating, but I'm sure it will happen for you and soon you will be pregnant. I will keep you in my prayers, you are AWESOME and deserve to be happy all the time!!!!!!
PS- I will tell you who I am later. Sorry, I just wanted to share my story with YOU! :))))
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