So Tired and Not Ready

* Just a disclaimer...I started this post late Saturday night. I was tired from an exhausting day, I saw Wyatt for maybe 45 minutes in a 27 hour period (Thanks Mom and Dad for watching him), and Byron had been gone since Thursday. Wisely I decided not to post it right away out of fear things might be a tad incoherent. So I added a few things, and edited it a bit. However, I decided to leave most of this post the same, so that you might get an idea of how confused and weary my mind was at the time. I'm really sorry if it doesn't make sense!

I've been feeling tired a lot these days. Could it be because my body is out of whack? Could it be because of stress that I am under? Or, my worst fear of them all, could it be all in my head? My spirits are doing better, but my body feels like shutting down. I can't let it though, since feeling tired just makes me feel like I'm lazy, and I'm having trouble seeing the difference between the two.



My progress of getting my thyroid fixed seems to be at a stand still. Promised nurse's phone calls have not come to pass. I hate have to nag at people, but I guess I'll be making phone calls on Monday. I get the impression from people around me that there seems to be a rush to get to the thyroid specialist so that I can get right back into the fertility clinic. For me, the reasoning had changed. I'm not in a rush to get stuck with more injections. It will be time for a baby to come when the baby comes! I just want to feel good again. Maybe I've finally figured out that whole "filling the well within" thing. My first focus is to take care of myself before I can take care of getting pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I'm just this vessel in order to get an offspring here, no matter how painful or inconvenient it is for me. Like I'm being used just so my husband can have another child, or the grandparents can have another grandchild. Deep down, I know they don't feel that way, nor have they ever said that, my own insecurities just make me feel that way. I do want to have another child, I just didn't want to have to go through this again.



I thought I'd be ready for this time at the clinic. I thought it would be easier. But I discovered even though it was ok to go forward, I guess I never really wanted to go through this again. I just didn't want to HAVE to do it this way. I went though a little grieving period, which I didn't think I would ever do. Grieve something I knew was coming. I knew this was going to be the way to have a family, but back in my head I was hoping for another type of miracle.